Sunday, August 29, 2010


Jumper is a superhero movie for assholes. Anakin Skywalker plays Max Jumper, a dude who discovers that he can teleport anywhere in the world. So he what he does is he starts robbing banks so he can become a callow, self-absorbed yuppie prick who uses his powers to scooch over two feet on the couch so he can pick up the remote and change the channel so he doesn't have to watch flood victims drown on TV. (Kinda makes me wonder why he's not a big fatass, now that you mention it.) So you kind of figure that the whole movie is gonna be about him learning that helping people is more important than being a rich dickface, but then all he does is learn how to save his own ass.

Seems there are these dudes called "paladins" who want to kill jumpers for Jesus. Jesus hates jumpers, you see, because only God should have the power to rob banks and stand on top of Big Ben whenever He feels like it. Sam Jackson's the head paladin, and, like always, he seems like he's having a great time. In fact, even though he's playing a self-righteous cocksucker, I was kind of on his side. If all jumpers are selfish douches like Anakin, then they should be trapped with electric grappling hooks and stabbed with ceremonial daggers.

The movie, however, seems to think that Anakin turns into some kind of hero, even though the only person he saves is his own girlfriend (played by that chick from The O.C. who looks like a slightly oversized Bratz doll), who wouldn't even be in danger in the first place if Anakin hadn't lied to her about his superpowers. So then the movie ends and we're supposed to think that Anakin is some kind of hero now, even though there is no evidence to support that claim. I appreciate that they were trying to do something a little subversive and show a hero who's not very heroic, but they didn't follow through on that strategy. The whole tone of the movie acts like Anakin really is a hero, providing him with a triumphant theme song and slo-mo money shots. I got the sense that the assholes who made the movie actually expected us to root for this guy, even though he has no redeeming qualities and lacks the charisma to make that look cool.

The fight scenes are pretty sweet, though, even if X2 did teleportation better. The problem is, they never really work out the rules, so you're always kind of wondering why Anakin even bothers to fight anybody when he could just bamf himself to Sri Lanka. Then you're supposed to believe that Sam Jackson, armed only with a cattle prod, poses a serious threat to two dudes who can teleport, one of whom has a flamethrower. (Bonus: There's a dude with a flamethrower.) Still, I sort of liked it on an "Oooh, shiny!" level. It's hard to complain about flying buses.

But then the DVD has some animatics of scenes that didn't get shot, and they're way cooler than anything in the movie. There's one part where Anakin is fighting this other jumper on a helicopter and then he teleports them both to the fucking moon and handcuffs the dude to Neil Armstrong's flagpole. Not since The Chronicles of Riddick have I so wanted a sequel to a movie I didn't like that much.

1 comment:

  1. I couldn't agree more! Why didn't I listen to my first instinct that said, "Don't watch this movie or your a tool!" ? Anakin Skywalker (I can't even remember the actor's name I want to erase him from my memory so much) is NOT a good actor nor is he built for action roles. Sammy J is a genius and I will continue to go against my better judgement and watch every movie he's in, if for no other reason than he always gets the best lines.